My father taught me

I can’t even remember just when. I know I went to him for advice when I was a freshman at the local university (UW-Platteville) when I took a course in public speaking. His brilliance with people astounded me. Everyone who ever met him loved him. I wish I were more like that.

But one thing he’d taught me has served me well over the decades, and I thought I’d relate that to whoever will listen.

Lesson: No one can convince me of something better than myself. I don’t know how many “I tried it and failed, next time will be different” experiences I’ve had. Having the humility to ask someone for life-choice advice is rare. Often it is couched in a conversation where a person is relating a frustration over something, and they just can’t (from their experience or perspective) see the obvious (to you or me, anyway) answer to their quandary.

What dad taught me is to help them realize their own answer. I learned elsewhere, that a smart man can give a good answer, but a wise man can ask great questions. This dovetails right into what I’m working toward here.

When presented with a problem or decision, Dad would begin to rattle off answers or solutions that often (while indeed possible) were implausible, illogical, or just downright outrageous. This gives the hearer the opportunity to begin to rule out those options, and, in keeping with open communication, begin to offer their own thoughts as to better ones. He’d ask questions about their solutions to gauge their earnestness and/or willingness to commit to those solutions, especially if he heard one that he himself would choose.

The hearer would walk away (justly) feeling as if they had solved their own problem. I don’t know about you, but hearing a solution in my own voice is much more convincing than one from another. And the true beauty: even if the other person would select a different answer, it was fine with him. No solution is always worse than a wrong one. And if their solution did work, my dad would learn from them and become wiser in the process.

And the reward is intense. Seeing someone succeed and thrive (knowing you played a small role) causes me to quietly smile. Congratulate them. They deserve the credit, because they did the actual work.

Natural Consequences

I’ve spoken of this before, to people in my real-life circles. But I think the time has come for me to write it down.

In Matthew chapter 18, Jesus shared another parable, but made it personal. Not theoretical, not just spiritual, but He turned to His disciples at the end to drive home His point. It is often called the Parable of the Unforgiving Slave (or servant).

The story goes on about a king (symbolic of God the Father) who called his slave/servant into account for money owed. That set and pleaded for more time, with the promise to repay all, despite the outrageous sum of 10,000 talents (the silver equivalent to 60 million days’ wage). The king forgave the debt. That servant left, with his debt forgiven, and bumped into a fellow servant who owed him a hundred days’ wages, who proceeded to beg for more time with the promise to repay. That original servant, with a hard heart, threw the other servant into debtor’s prison. When the king heard of this, he voided the forgiveness once offered to the first servant, and turned the man over to the tormentors, to torture him until the whole, huge debt was paid in full.

This is when Jesus turned to His disciples and warned them that God would do the exact same thing to them if they refused to forgive. He made it personal.

My point is this: forgive. If you refuse, you’ll be handed over to the tormentors to torment you (right here, right now) until you’ve paid off your own debt. I’m currently seeing some people in torment, and it’s likely because I’ve also seen their unforgiveness toward others. It is the default punishment that God uses on unforgiving people.

Are you feeling tormented? How are your accounts with others? Is there anyone you need to forgive?

Never Saw This Before

So I’m watching How I Met Your Mother again. It’s winding up the finale season, and I still get choked up as the ending approaches. Tonight, I noticed a foreboding (and this show is FILLED with foreshadowing) of a tender moment that brings me tears every time. It’s in Season 9, episode 19, and I don’t want to spill spoilers. But I never before noticed the emotional reaction of the main character, startlingly similar to my own as the series makes its’ story arc, just a few episodes later.

It seems less than 6 weeks since the last time I was here, but I’m still here.

Defining Traits

I’m resistant to even post this, but I’ll try to do so with restraint. I have been on a path of learning by watching a YouTube channel, and recently took in one that I thought I could write about without without being overt in accusations. This is for learning here, not condemnation.

Anyway, I’ll post an edited heading, so as to simply list some traits or patterns of behavior, without naming the diagnosis. I’ve heard that diagnosing someone typically gets projected right back. I don’t want that for anyone.

1. An identity built on chronic insecurity. They are emotionally needy, and often that insecurity is built on a myriad of reasons, but nothing of their own doing.
2. Chronic misuse of anger. Immediate jump to unconstructive outburst or response,
3. Very low level of Empathy. Redefining as irrelevant those who might otherwise benefit from receiving that empathy, or claiming that the need for empathy is on an irrelevant area.
4. Commitment to false superiority. An emphasis on perhaps intangible attributes that often exist on their own say-so.
5. Defensive. A marked unwillingness to accept input, especially if that input is directed toward their own improvement.
6. Live inside of shame. Projecting victimhood of something otherwise shameful, yet having no culpability in having any personal blame in it. Even capable of profiling victimization of imagined offenses toward them.
7. Need for Control is Imperative. Continual direction to another’s shortcomings, and how THEY would have overcome.
8. Unteachable. Dismissive of others’ insights, often by non-verbal means, but also by a simple, “I know” that already.

Credit where credit is due – Dr. Les Carter

Today’s stream Was along the lines of 7 Signs that Worsen as they Age

1. They have given up on love. Marriage, friendships, etc. fail because of the other person. becoming authoritarian and seeking power over those relationships becomes more typical.
2. They Don’t Learn from Broken Experiences. Maintaining that being a misunderstood victim is more common, and a likely outcome of potential new relationships.
3. They never own their shadow-self. There is one there, but it is well hidden and/or denied.
4. They never admit to their own humanity. They project an image, one of an idealized notion of superiority.
5. They like to collect Lackeys. Otherwise known as minions, flying monkeys, or a mini-me, these are similar-minded people (not diverse) who can be used to do their bidding.
6. Rationalize broken relationships. The common theme is that those are always the fault of others. They lie to themselves a lot, allowing them to maintain truth from their own perception.
7. They maintain keeping others in a defensive mode. They accuse easily, despite evidence showing otherwise. They employ guilt and shame to silence critics.

Well. this was difficult. But if it can be of any help, I want that for you. I really do.

Have you seen it yet?

The story goes, about 55 years ago, that there was this Sci-Fi convention where readers of science fiction gathered to revel in the coming futuristic world of stories, featuring publishers and authors. At this particular convention, a fellow named Gene brought in his pilot episode for a new TV show that was to be a space bound drama, with recurring characters. It was too early for color film to be popular, so this hour long pilot, filmed in black and white, was shown to many groups at the convention as an option to guest speakers and open forums.

The buzz around the convention began among those who had seen this pilot, urging those who had not, to go see it. Soon, the most common question among the convention goers was: “Have you seen it yet?” The show became a huge hit, and Star Trek was born.

Well, tonight, I got to experience something that I can see the same question begin to reappear in conversations all over these United States. I have seen it. and I urge you to go see it as well. It may change your life. This “it” is the Christmas with the Chosen episode, shown as a Fathom event in limited release to select theaters. I’ve enjoyed both seasons of The Chosen, and the third season will begin filming in early 2022. This is a full episode of the Nativity, with characters introduced in earlier episodes. It follows an hour’s worth of Christmas carol videos with various Christian musicians. It also had some monologues about some of the more relevant names of God that pertain to the Nativity.

I’ll just say that I’m very glad that I always carry a handkerchief in my front right pocket.

Forfeit

Been chewing on this all week. I hang with an addiction recovery group called U-turn for Christ, up in Lebanon, PA. Me, and the other “groupies” aren’t really recovered addicts, but we see the transformation in the lives of these guys as they experience things that only God can do, and we love to see Him at work. Perhaps that is our addiction.

Anyway, their Sunday night open prayer time, broadcast on Facebook, is truly the “backbone of the ministry” as people from all over the country and world watch and submit requests for the guys (and gals) to pray for. We also ask for people who are moved to share a thought or counsel, do so by sharing an appropriate Bible verse. It is how we maintain order to squelch an attempt to play prophet, or to speak out of order.

It occurred to me, that often the struggle with addiction is merely turning to something that we THINK will help, or let us hide, or self-medicate. It is, in a way, idolatry. It is simply turning to something that we think will help, instead of to the One Who truly CAN help. And we believe the lie that the idol is somehow going to help.

So the verse I did not share, but could/should have, was Jonah’s realization while he was in the belly of the fish, just before that fish expelled him. Jonah 2:8 says, “Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs.” That conclusion makes perfect sense. We often cling to things that are worthless. Be it drugs, alcohol, porn, overeating, possessions, fame, riches, power, anger, or any other thing that I just don’t have experience to mention as a likely idol.

But still we cling. And the natural consequence of that clingy behavior is that we forfeit grace. It IS available, if we would only turn to the One who offers grace, even back in the Old Testament. We have to choose. So we do. Either the idol that we cling to, or the One who actually wants us to cling to Him. The choice really is ours, but only the latter offers grace. We forfeit that if we cling to the former. You cannot have both.

One Must Go . . . WHY?

I’ve seen these. You have, too. They are harmless, right? They don’t compromise my password protection, because I have never been asked anything like this as a security question.

I’m not telling you what to do, I’m only asking you to hear me out. This is SUCH a trivial thing, yes? I mean, who really cares, other than a potential romantic interest who unwittingly suggests a taco night, after you have publicly sworn them off. Or brings you a donut (they are actually spelled DOUGHNUTS, you lazy illiterate). Or confesses a love for sushi, causing you to dump them, as sushi is a true dealbreaker. Or bacon . . . wait. Is THAT even a possibility? It could reveal a hitherto unforeseen crazy that you’re better off without.

Anyway.

There are some concerns here. These appeal to your belief that YOUR choices are valuable, especially worthy of broadcast to your Facebook contacts, because, let’s face it, you are certain that everyone you know WANTS to know what you are thinking, they are just too shy (or busy) to ask.

Perhaps these allow you to go against the flow of public opinion, because being a Maverick works so well if you are a young Navy pilot, but NOT an old presidential nominee.

My concern is the psychological effect that strengthens a cancel culture, if even in only small doses. It puts YOU as judge, to decide for yourself (and perhaps everyone else, as it doesn’t clarify whether this is just your world, or everyone else’s as well). And not just cancel culture, but it reinforces the appeal to peer influence that can lead to bigger decisions (like genocide). Because your opinion is what really matters. At least to you.

Me? Not so much. A smile and nod can go a long way in maintaining peace between warring food factions.

All this to say, I began to learn this lesson back in 1985, from a Christian comedic singing artist. Funny how the world has changed in those intervening years. Now Values Clarification is rearing its ugly head in real life in many ways, with food as the stepping stone.

I warned you.

Independence, declared

I awoke thins morning, thinking about this being Independence Day, and it got me thinking.

Today was not the day we gained independence here in these United Stated of America, it commemorates the day we DECCLARED it. We wanted it, we saw the need for it, we counted the cost to acquire it, so we, as group of people, started that process. England didn’t like the idea, so it sent troops and mercenaries to convince us otherwise. That process took us over 7 years to finalize. On September 3rd, 1789, we actually found our freedom (by winning the Revolutionary War). Even then, that newfound freedom was challenged in 1812 (within a couple dozen years), and we kinda had to do it all again.

All this to say, the Uturn group that I love to hang around (I’m a groupie) celebrates that declaration of freedom gloriously. But we all know the battle is yet to come. It will also be a freedom that will be challenged.

For those looking for a freedom like I have, I’d love to smile and show you what I have found. You have NO idea.

Cherry Love Bars

I think back to my pre-adolescent days. I was in 4th grade, and we had a candy sale approaching. A candy sale was where 1 classroom would have each of the students bring in goods to sell, and the other classes would take turns coming in to buy aforementioned goods. Everyone was happy. Each class could have a fundraiser, and the other classes could enjoy the treats brought in.

As I recall, my teacher asked if any of us had contacts to purchase wholesale candy to sell at retail. I knew my Uncle Paul sold candy and bags of chips at his roadside tavern, but I didn’t think I was in a position to negotiate his rates for the benefit of my class. So I forgot about the whole matter.

Until about 4 am, the day of the sale. I had not made any arrangements for my share of donations. I was troubled at this for a few moments, but then I remembered my favorite dessert had been made recently by my mother, and I thought, “I could do that.”

I got up and went through the recipe file, filled with collected recipes from both grandmothers, my mother, as well as ones my father had secured in his creative sleuthing ways from his contacts. I found it almost immediately, for it is one that I recognized every time it was brought out for use.

So by 4:30 am, I began gathering ingredients and mixing them to make my contribution. I must not have been as quiet as I thought I was (I blame the electric mixer), for my father appeared at the bottom of the steps, although it was just to use the bathroom. I’m guessing he squealed on me, as Mom appeared within a minute of him returning upstairs.

I told my incredulous mother of my plight (and solution), and she offered to take over (partly to do them right, partly because she likely fretted over my lack of sleep, and likely, probably because she could better control the collateral damage done to her kitchen in the wee hours of the morning). I knew that I was better at building plastic model cars than she, and she was indeed better at food preparation than I. So, it made perfect sense to me that we should each play to our strengths.

It didn’t occur to me until quite recently, that there is a marked difference between a candy sale and a bake sale. I didn’t care. The cherry love bars weren’t a big hit there, so I was able to return with (most of) the rest after the school day ended.

Changes Over Time

It’s been a long, exhausting week. I’ve noticed my feet feel heavy after a day at work. Coming home, I find the sofa comfortable enough to not even think about dinner for a few hours. So I heat & eat something easy, and at some point realize I’ve missed most or all of a show on TV. Bedtime, then.

Last night, I roused at 10:30, and crawled into bed. I always set my phone alarm to record my sounds and movement, as well as wake me gently when it senses that I’m nearly awake, Otherwise, it wakes me at 4:30 AM to the same song I’ve used for the last 5 1/2 years. I then “coast” for the next half hour or so, trying to level up on a stupid game on my phone, as well as checking my Facebook memories.

Today was different. I woke after 5, and realized I fell asleep so quickly that I didn’t even have time to set my alarm. So no Memories. Until I got home from work. FB let me know I hadn’t seen them yet today, so I looked.

It reminded me of an impromptu trip to WI 6 years ago to wish a ’til we meet again to a nephew. There was also a snowstorm 11 years ago, and a couple goofy jokes 3 years ago.

The memories contained many comments over the years, and reading them was indeed bittersweet, in a way. I realized, through unclickable contacts, that 3 of the commenters still have me blocked. Then, 2 more were family and extended family members that had unfriended me, and another extended family member that I had actually unfriended. There’s another that I’m actually considering unfriending, but I’m not there quite yet.

All this to say, one of the things I’ve liked about Facebook are that I’ve gained access to the lives, happenings, and thoughts of people I’ve met over a lifetime. Folks from a hometown that I left over 35 years ago, people from the many churches I’ve attended over the years, co-workers from various careers, as well as the occasional neighbor; all friends that I share a kinship with in this life. I often find myself praying for these people as I see these posts.

I guess the blocks and unfriends got to me today. ​Seeing several when I’m not groggy, kinda allowed me to reflect over changes these last several years have brought. All in all, I’m pleased at where this life has taken me, and all the new friends I now have that I never would have met, had those changes not occurred.

But I miss the lives I no longer have access to.